my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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