You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
