as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
