Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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