So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
