cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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