Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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