I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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