I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
