You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize