Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
