'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
