Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
