you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
