Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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