Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
