I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
