Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
