i just made my gag reflex go away.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
