I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
