You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
