It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
