Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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