hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
