I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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