Say something about gay babies.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
