You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
