Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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