he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
try to milk me bitch
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