So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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