he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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