He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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