New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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