booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
