Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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