The maid of honor just puked.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
