I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
