I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
