I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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