i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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