i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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