god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
