Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
