hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
