Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
