I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize