I will die if light touches me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you have to choose: penises or morals?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
