dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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