I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
