If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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