Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
