i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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