is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
