He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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