It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
