i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
