Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize